It requires work & compromise to maintain a good relationship.

Officially missing you.

Awkwardness filled the atmosphere. Cracking our brains to come up with a topic to talk so that we can try to fit into the spaces of time given for us, it was a rather awesome opportunity for us. I hated this gruesome feeling, faking a smile to let you know that I'm happy, & I'm all right. But deep down, my tears are trying to burst out. But I manage to bury them alive, safe & sound. The last, was a pat on my head that makes me like a princess out of no where. Spoken out loud with your tender words, "Take good care of yourself." Capturing the back view of yours, turning your back on me. Because once you're gone, neither do I know when will we be seeing each other again. Heaven knows I'm trying, but it gets awfully hard when your heart is this broken. It seems a lifetime passed, these memories that linger. Soon as I think they have gone, but I was certainly wrong.. it was overpowering the feelings. All along I'd wanted to rebuild whatever was salvageable and take another shot at making something of our relationship, but I knew we both walked away is for our own good. As I walked, I pondered the fact that you were gone. It's hard to believe I'm lonely once again. Apprehensively, I was in despair. My hopes that a new setting might change the outlook of us, seems like it faded just as fast as it could. The journey in the car seems a long distance. In my privacy and my solitude, amongst the fields that stretched for miles, I began to cry. With a toil of respite, I cried. I cried for the fear of not knowing what am I gonna do the next move. I don't belong to you any longer, everything. I had vowed to myself never to let anyone see me cry for any reason, ever again. I'm still doubting if you still love me, till now. Anyway, I'm strong, I'm gonna smile to make you think that I'm happy. I'm gonna laugh, so you don't see me cry. I'm going to let you go in style even if it kills me. I'm going to smile. I will. Moving on is simple, it's what you leave behind that makes it difficult.

The future ain't what it used to be.

Hello babies! It's the reopening of school today, what astonish me was.. everyone was talking about world cup. Today's match at 10pm will be Brazil VS Chile. Majority bet Brazil, minority bet Chile. Well, I'm taking Chile. 2:30am, Spain VS Portugal. Neither am I taking Spain nor Portugal, presume it will be a draw but a prediction for me, it'll be Portugal. Jeers! Felt rather lethargic. My chest, knees & stomach is in agony. I don't know why either, suffocated & I can't breathe, till now. Is my time up ? I'm wondering. Well, school is alright today. Here comes our new maths teacher, he sounds so aunty ? Keeps on nagging. It's getting on my nerves, a pain in the neck. Therefore, just told him off. Cause he said it's a few months to our N' level then why isn't he starting to teach & at the front desk speaks like a pepper mill! God. Whatever. After school, send my wife off to her brother. Back home :]

Here are some pictures of me, got my hair temporary curled. Enjoy!

The self-destruction, the lies, the disconnection from reality. Like so much else in my life, it was emotionally crushing to learn that, we're beating about the bush. But I blindly turned away. I simply faded out. The conflict between believing what I was now being taught about life to be the truth, I knew to be all too real. And yet I couldn't. I wasn't about to let it all end as simply as that. I couldn't simply move on, and allow the months and months of tears and anguish to have been for nothing. This time my life was really spinning out of control. It was so overpowering that I was literally facing breakdown. I just couldn't discern who I was supposed to be at any given time, or what I was supposed to be doing. As I progressed deeper and deeper into my feelings and emotions, I was also going further and further with the self-destruction. I was proclaiming myself as a "junky loser". My previous thoughts and fears of the bottom falling out of my life eventually came to pass. It was all meaningless.. I'm at my wit's end, but somehow, it's you, it's you the one I've been missing so much over half a year. I miss you.

BREAK - DOWN

It was me, I was the filthy human creature to make things adding salt to the wound. I did not blame anyone else for this affliction position. I condemned myself for everything, I'll take the full burden for anyone gets wounded. Up the creek without a peddle, but it just wouldn't work out. Jinx, I am a jinx! I will always be, souls that ended up with me have no good ending but a tearing ending. Love, I was the cause of everything, but I was oblivious of the magnitude of it, the anger within you right now. In my bed, in a state of pure fear were just some of the memories I now tried to keep in check to reserve for those tear-stained pages. When I reread them and really thought about it, I had to force myself to keep control over my emotions. I knew that the more I thought about it, the more I lost my control. It was a battle I could never win. Every time I tired to push those memories out of my mind and into the place in my heart that was now overflowing, I was failing to keep the emotions from surfacing. All those horrible, hurtful memories came back pushing it towards me, I tried to convince myself that I was able to keep them in check, but I never actually could. They were haunting me down, I was stoned out of my mind. I was constantly forcing them away. Sometimes my thoughts came faster than my pen could keep up with. The occasional smile that leaked out my face was genuine, frightening but genuine. I can see you did your utmost best to keep this relationship maintained well enough, but it was me to annihilate everything. I wouldn't seek for your forgiveness, if letting you go & letting me go was the right choice for you.. I will not hesitate, find your true happiness. But, please recognise that I loved you whole heartedly push the envelope of it's love. Either that one fine day, I was with someone.. it will definitely not be the way I loved you or I'll await for you to come back. I still love you, I really do. You may take this as a balderdash, fucking bullshit, go ahead. I had to say what I've already said. I apologise for my unmoralised, unruly, abhorrent behaviour. I know it disgust you. I'm sorry..

I used to like a faded photography, our moment's in the past.

I miss you missing me, calling me on the phone.

Asking me how I'm doing, asking if I'm alone.

Guess you won't be asking about me, I won't be hearing what you've been up to.

Like I used to had our time, our time has passed.

When someone calls me up at night,

I hold my breath, I close my eyes.

I wait and hope and pray it will be you.

Dear babies,

Once again. I apologise for not updating. I've been really fatigue, due to FIFA WORLD CUP! HAHAHA. I really enjoyed how Portugal annihilate North Korea 7-0. I guess everyone would be dismal, especially Asians. Well, shall proceed to my development from the past few days :]

19th June 2010

Jolene invited me to her house for steamboat, celebrated her advanced birthday. It was fruitful, but too many unknowns, I felt rather awkward & absurd there. Before that, someone turn his back on. I was being left alone, cried like some spoiled brat. He left me red rag to a bull, therefore, asked Zhirong brother accompany me. & someone chose god instead of his own sister whose all feeling dejected. Saying is one thing, doing is another. I presumed this might be the answer, but his oblivious about it. It wouldn't affect me at all, hence, Zhirong & me caught up with a movie "A-team" at Plaza Singapura, rather a hilarious & more to an action pack. Then trained down to Bedok for Baby Chu's birthday! I like her mother, a very balmy mother.

20th June 2010

HAPPY FATHERS' DAY!

Yeap. It's fathers' day! Did you guys had a fruitful celebration ? Well, I did. My dad is the worlds' most handsome & the coolest guy ever! His the bread-winner of this family, his not getting any younger. His old, but so ? His young at heart :] Even though his old, he'd still strive hard & work hard for this family as well as my education. Daddy never fails to direct me from wrong to right. His always there to pick me up when I fall. Though his boisterous, but his really a good father after all. Noon time, elder sis brought us to Toa Payoh area for Dim Sum! Sea of people, lucky she booked earlier. Sumptuous lunch! :D I love you daddy!

21st June 2010

Went to Serangoon window- shopping. Then trained down to Bishan library. Something really unexpected cropped up. I was accused, but I told myself. Everything is gonna be all right, everything is gonna be fine & okay. I'm optimistic, cause I know one day he'll be back for me. Sighs.

22nd June 2010

Did nothing much, but all I know I've been excising really vigorously. Tralala~ Maintaining my weight & body, I never said it'll be easy :] BUT I HATE EYEBAGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ): GONNA GET RID OF IT AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!

I painted the blackest picture of me possible. The whys of our situation. What is really proceeding ? Before long I began to cry.. I felt so out of place, so desperate and misunderstood. I was lost inside. I had no direction and no idea how to get it. My mind was totally in disaster, describe it as a whirlpool that can make you fall anytime. Indeed, unsteady on my feet, I stumbled as I tried to stand up holding on by the edge of the bedside, but, I fell. Different souls surrounded me, their lives were so different, and what I had been through would be so foreign to them. They simply wouldn't know how to help, even if they could. After all, I was living in my life, my own world, and I didn't know what to do. How could I expect that anyone else would ? Real love is a very demanding, a selfish creature to understand. I just didn't know what it was. I managed to bury my emotions and my fears even deeper than I could ever figment it. My heart was filled with months of agony, enraged, cramped misery. There simply wasn't room for anymore hurt. What hurt me the most was the feeling of.. mistrust, misunderstanding, accusatory. I guess we both have to procrastinate to the interval of a period of time, my love awaits for you. I know we'll have a promising future. You will, you will summon me back. Invariability, because you still love me, and I still love you.

Happy 2years 5months,

My love, it's the 17th. Happy 2years 5months, I still love you that much. You authorised me to learn & experience many great things in life. I've learn to buried all nostalgia past behind me, all thanks to you & that benefited me :] How can I ever thank you for that ? Your presence in my life brings wonderful smiles and loving thoughts within my heart. You're the only one who can give me the real happiness. Today & always, beyond tomorrow, I need you beside me, always as my man, lover & soul mates. I love you ♥

This was the last picture & the nicest picture I've taken with you. I miss those times with you. Sarang hey. Always & for eternity, you'll always be my man.

15th June - Daddy & I made durian desert! :D

I love my daddy! :D I'm daddy's girl ♥ I used to hate daddy. But, his my dad ever all. He worked really hard for this family. I love you daddy :]

The mess! :D HAHA. Cause mommy went to have her hair cut. & this is the mess that me & daddy brought upon. Whee.

Sumptuous enough to let your saliva drool ? :D It's really delicious.

11th June - 13th June

Kids playing football near the lake! :]

Father & Son! :]

My cousin brought me to the lake & jog. The scenery was really beautiful! :D

MY LAMBORGHINI MAN! :D WHOOT.

Hello baby!

Mommy loves the Sandy alot! :]

Yea man~ This is my cute little baby girl niece Sandy! But mischievous !

Another wrong shot! ):

Wrong shot! ):

I'M FUCKING GONE INSANE ABOUT WORLD CUP & SOCCER'S! LIKE FUCK YEA MAN!

Dear babies,

Sorry for not updating for such a long period of time. So, I shall update now okay ? :]

14th June 2010

Came back from Malaysia. Unpack stuffs :] Went out for dinner with mommy & daddy! Heh.
Met my niece in Malacca. She's so adorable with those big eyes & chubby cheeks ! HAHA. But she's really rough & zippy! She keeps on pulling my hair & she loves to fight. Bad & good times in Malaysia too lah.

15th June 2010

Daddy & I knock off really well! :] Merriment fills the house with warmness! :D Daddy & I even made durian desert! I love daddy really alot.

16th June 2010

DADDY WENT BANGKOK! ): I DON'T FEEL HAPPY, I DON'T FEEL RELIEVE AT ALL. I MISS DADDY ALOT! D: SIGHS. I WANT DADDY TO COME BACK NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DADDY, 我很想你！Daddy asked me if I wanted anything from Bangkok, but I told him nothing at all. Cause I want daddy to come back safe & sound. I miss those times making desert & joking around with daddy, but time let it fly pass that fast. Sighs. Minyi came over to my house, lepak. Then decided to go Seiyu at Bugis there after which headed to Bugis street, but nothing much over there. Minyi complained leg pain cause she hates to walk. HAHA! Decided to go Suntec, Minyi doesn't want too. But she pampers me really alot. Yay man! :D HAHA. Our legs are really aching man. Anyway, gotten myself a few dresses. Headed back to my house. Then went over to Aljunied Cresent MacDonalds' to watch FIFA WORLD CUP! Whoot! :D Which ever teams I've chosen, all won! HAHAHA. By the way, Zhirong & Raymond came down to Mac's slacked there. Goddamn it! I only watch it like 66mins 43seconds then mommy called me to go home. Sua lah! My brother was like so sweet, he flag a cab for me. HAHA! Some hilarious part comes with his gay voice,"Eh~ Nabei cheebye!" Cause the cab never turn, it went straight ahead. LOL! I miss my brother so much lorrrrr, can't wait to see him next Monday! :D Yay! He has he agony too, so no matter what, I'll stand by him :] I'll not let anyone harm him. Home sweet home, ate durians again. CONFIRM GAIN WEIGHT LAHHHHHHHH! ): Whatever. So now, I'm heading for my sheets now! :D

Dear babies,

Hi! Did you guys miss me ? Sorry for not updating. I'm currently in M'sia, going back on Monday morning which is tmrw. Yayness :] I had a sleepless night yesterday, cause I was sleeping in my aunt's house living room while mom & dad slept in the air-con room which I can't sleep. Therefore, decided to head to the living room instead to sleep. Goddamn it! Yea, as you guys know it's world cup. I was about to fell asleep PEACEFULLY, my aunt shouted, "ROONEY!!!!!! GO ROONEY!!!! GGGOOOOOO!!!! AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! GGGGOOOOOALLLLL!!!!! WWWWHHHHHOOOOOO!!!!" *CLAPS! =.=' Fell asleep, awake again, fell asleep, awake again! Full of crap, got fed up, woke up awhile. I can feel I've got eye bags okay! Next day, which is Sunday, went for a morning jog. Then accompanied mom & dad shopping. Didn't buy any stuffs, just went for eyebrow trimming. In the evening, went jogging again with my cousin. Frankly speaking, I'm all drained out of energy. I'm totally exhausted, totally fatigue. Counted, I had a fruitful day! :D Alright, I'm currently TRYING my very best to stay awake from 2:30am - 4:30am, Germany VS Australia, world cup lah! What else ? HAHA! Like fook yea, my cousin is always showing off. LIKE THE SAME! NEVER CHANGE. But thanks to him, I can use the his laptop to surf the net! :] Thanks dude.

Btw, I've got photos to be upload but quite a few. I'll upload it very soon :] Nights babies, I miss you guys! :D

Those nostalgia past where I was away from Singapore.
I used to cry much, because I miss you.
Now.. I still do.

Act cool huh brother! :D

GONG ALREADY! :D HAHAHA.

BROTHER! DON'T PEE LEIS! :D

I love my brothers alot! :]

HAHAHA!

LOL! BROTHERRRRR! :D HAHAHA.

YAY MAN! WAS JUMPING! :D

BRO, WHAT YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING ?! :D

Dear babies,

Today I had fun. Met Zhirong & Ian at Aljunied, slacked there. Heart to heart talk. & we did some random things. Camwhore! :D Yay man. I miss those 2, it's been a long time since I've met them. Hmms, they have plans in mind, so they headed to Clementi while me headed down to suntec cause me & Benjamin wanted to go Suntec Convectional Centre to see all those hard & software :] & his late! While waiting, window-shopping alone. Finally! He arrived, had lunch together at Kopitiam. Damn it! My foot has really terrible blisters that I couldn't walk anymore further ): So decided to buy a pair of slippers for myself that cost me $18.90! Like it very much. Then head down to see those software, got a camera in mind already! :D Yayness. But after N's, I'm gonna work & pamper myself with a camera! :D Saw shuwei working there too, haha! She sounded so funny lor. Persuade me to buy a laptop, neither do I have that much of cash nor do I have a nets for myself :D Sorry dude. 4+ met Cheehao, Benjamin left. Heart to heart talk. Blahs. AGAIN! Walked ard looking at those computers, cause Cheehao's mom wants to get herself a Computer. Yeap, Cheehao had lunch. Walked ard again, my legs are hurting me! I swear. Then trained down back, here I am. Home sweet home! :D Hope you guys enjoy those pictures. Cheers! :D

We used to shop there, walk there, sit there.
I'm bringing upon those memories, back.
I miss you, I really do.
When ? When can I see you again ?
... ):

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