It requires work & compromise to maintain a good relationship.

Ruoheng came over to my house, spent 9hours together. We did many adventurous stuffs that includes studying! Thanks dear.

Looks like, the filthy omen is back to me. It has been degrading me these few days. Certainly, I was so much happier back then. When you name appears on my phone, you can dissolve speedily everything within me ? Surfacing my empathy right here it's totally a waste of time. HAHA! Hana is back into the indistinct side. In my own privacy & solitude, I feel so much better. It's way too great to bury your feelings alive, safe & sound within yourself.

Patience & perseverance have magical effects,

before which difficulties disappear & obstacle vanish.

Don't doubt my love for you, cause it's true till now & forever it will be. Love touch us one time & last for a life time, love was when I loved you one true time I hold to, in my life we'll always go on. The truth will ultimately come to light someday. Constantly, 11:11 whether be it day or night it keeps on chasing me like it was trying to convey me a message. Many told me it's a habit, but it definitely wasn't. I believe in celestials, they're indirectly trying to imply to me something which left me in curiosity from time to time. Reality is just way too cruel for us. You triggered my mind, my heart, my soul. Don't you realise someone is missing you ? It's me whose missing you.

Waiting for someone who will never come back is the most fatigue thing. No matter how hard you try to win him back, everything is just to be so.. futile. Frequently, even when I know we're clearly not suitable for each other, I still want to try it out anyway, and see if we can literally find a small balance where we can rest at. I don't wanna forget the past, I'll just keep it as one of my lifetime stories. That quite past will become sustenance. I know I must stop looking back, cause if I do.. I'll never improve. So what does, "You're not up to my standard." means ? Modernise your mind, will you ? From time to time, I don't see the bad qualities in you, I just want you to know you've cultivate me ever since we took our first step together. Even if I can't be the man I love in this life, everything we had between each other will become my inspiration in my art work. Take it as when you're stacking building blocks. If you want to stack them higher , you have to build a steady base.

Perhaps, our fate had already taken on different paths.

photography1751.jpg Love image by emo_rawr_5038

Sullen routines just seem to appear in my life permanently now. Seeing someone celebrating his birthday, all those delighted memories came overflowing my mind, how I put in my heart & soul to make everything up on your Birthday when you were just 17 years old. I miss those past. Practically, I've learn something, "Apologies doesn't mean you're neither right nor wrong same goes for the opposite party, it just mean how much you value your relationship more than your egotism." If you're to step back into my life again, I'll treat you right like how I first begun my babysteps with you. I'll love you more than before with all my heart. I feel discontented with myself for not being able to understand the undergoing penalty of life enduring all the pain all by yourself no matter how grouchy your situation is and for not loving you more. Have you heard, "Love doesn't need a reason." ? Haven't you ? Well, I guess something proves me wrong. I pondered, perhaps there MIGHT be reasons why I would love you so much that makes it harder for me to move on. But the reason is unexplainable as well as it's unknown. I give my first love to you. I can't stand seeing me & you treating each other as a familiarise stranger. If you were here by my side this instantaneous moment, maybe I'll know what to the next step. But I know one things' for sure is that, I can't always depend on your forever. I must know where I should stand, stand up on my feet. Asshole, you make me miss you so much.

I want to make it hard for you, impossible to forget me.

I want to have that kind of positive impact on you,

whereby you know you'll never find someone who can take my place in your heart.

And I want that because that's what you are to me..

HELLO MR. YEO GUO HONG KENNETH! CALL ME & TALK TO ME! I KNOW YOU'RE PERSEVERING TENDING THE STALL. I MISS YOU SO MUCH! I NEED TO HEAR YOUR VOICE TO GET ME THROUGH THE DAY! I DON'T CARE ALREADY! IT'S TIME I PUT YOUR HUMONGOUS NAME ON MY BLOG!

How reminiscing when those times you & I were talking on the phone for hours non-stop. Then way you said, I love you & the "Muacks".

I wanna grow old with you, can I ? ♥

I wish that I had never met you then there would be no need to impress you. No need to want you. No need for loving you. No need merciless cries over you. No need for heartbreaks. No need neither pain nor tears. No need for empty promises & false hopes. No need for rejected hugs. No need for crying myself to sleep. No need for acting like you care. No need, for everything you've done to make me feel absolutely nothing.

But then again, I'm glad I did meet you. Cause you were the one who always asked me if anything was wrong. You were the one who love me for who I am, internally & externally. The one who cared when everyone else didn't. The one who listened. The one who stayed up late just to talk random stuffs even though you're fatigue from day till night, to keep me charmed. You were the one who I told secrets to. The one who cultivates me. The one who laughed at my cold jokes. The one who did things, just for me..

You were my everything. I entrusted you my heart, my soul, my mind. Everything that I did for you, I put in my heart & soul. My heart has always been open for the one & only you, you have the key, the potion to unlock & to cast off. Please access it. I'm still waiting for you to enter into my life once again.

I wanna walk down the aisle with you, letting the whole world witness it all. That's where I say, "I do."

17th January 2008, 3:25pm

Purely, this time & date was retained in my heart till now and forever it will be.

If we are still side by side till now. It will be our..

2years 6months anniversary. But it's all over.

It came to instantaneously in an hour of weakness, everything just came crushing down upon me.

It's hard to get through such a sour routine everyday without you.

If I tell you how much I love you still, how much I miss you still..

Would you care ?

Apprehensively, I shouldn't put such a high degree on you that you would be coming back to a certain extent. Because, words are meant to be smoothly said.

Just like how we said that we'll last infinitely. But things came too rapidly. It was all gone to soon.

I would take all the liability, the responsibility.

A reflection, I condemn myself for being such a wit.

If you're here, at my crying existence, reading this post..

Please accept the fact that, I still love you.

I would do anything, JUST ANYTHING, to modify & rebuild the depreciation that parted us.

I guess, preferably, I would be wishing myself alone cause I love you till the end.

Be happy, I believe you'll get through this phase unaccompanied by anyone.

Your grief will be over soon. SMILE! :D

Hana, Happy 2years 6months anniversary.

Before long the sounds of the day were pressing on me, the occasional smile that leaked out my face genuine, frightening but genuine. With the support and emotional respect they showed me, I was able to slightly loosen that stranglehold I kept on my emotions and feelings. I had hidden all my feelings so deep and for so long that it was incredible to rediscover them. Like so much else in my life, it was emotionally crushing down upon me. It took me a while to accept what my feelings were really telling me. What I fear most now is that I'm enduring: a life of pain. And now look where I am, I'm strung out once again, and I'm back to the same old routine of hiding it all from everyone. Inside I wanted to spill my guts and have someone who cared for me reach out and simply hold me.

A sheer sense of emptiness is overpowering my mind. Have you consider about my feelings ? & you want me to tolerate & could literally care about THEIR feelings ? Brilliant! Claps.

Broken.

I took things for granted. I was naive, because I thought you would give in to me all the time. I couldn't withstand mocking remarks. Everytime when we had controversy within the both of us, I wouldn't admit defeat despite any setbacks. I was demanding, I never trusted you, instead I choose to get my ears on a secondhand information. I'm always yearning for your love, I never went to bother and understand your situation no matter how intensive it might be. I wanted things in my own way. I was stubborn, an ignorant brat. I could see a definite change in you. Upon hearing that girls' had infatuation on you, and literally had the backbone to hold your hand ever though when I'm still with you. You wanted to get rid of her hands, but you were petrified that you might ended up aching an innocent girl's empathy. Therefore, you authorised her. In my own privacy and solitude, I pondered that I might know a third party would be so diligent enough to deliberately find means and ways to get us torn apart just like how that bastard deceived you to make you feel in doubt. If god were to torture us in the game of love, to let us know how strong our love bond is.. Ultimately, I would accept his proposal. Don't turn your back on me, please don't push me away to any guys. Even though I have the passion for those douche bags out there, everything might be just a puppy love, because it can never be the way I loved you. I'm utmost willing to heed any advices of yours, but just once, I have to apologise that I've got to rebel this upon you, to be stubborn & await your return no matter how long it takes. I just want things constantly settled down for you. It's all because of me, you ended up peerless. If wouldn't it be me, things would not ended up in this strained position for you. No matter how apologetic I may be, I cannot amend everything back for you. I feel extremely remorseful. But all I want you to know is that even thought everyone else were to leave you in solitary alone.. I would be there for you. Pick you up whenever you fall. You fought so hard to get the best of the best for me. I never cherish you until you were gone. Regarding about my parents, like wise you've said that they too, wanted the best for me. If that find day, the day when I got married wasn't the man I love but you, wouldn't I myself to permit my parents to see my in agony ? It's my life, my love. Not theirs. I won't regret because I love you. Remember the vows, the promises we made ? Through weakness and strength, happiness and sorrow, for better for worse, whether be it wealthy or poor, we'll stay together and overcome all those obstacles ahead of us. Work hard and compromises to maintain a good relationship, it takes 2 hands to clap. I doubt you haven't forgotten about it/ I've made up my mind, if I love you, no matter how hard life is, I'll be there to go through it with you. It's because of love, not out of sympathy. It doesn't matter, how imperfect you are, or how imperfect am I, I'll still be with you. It's your choice, not chance that decide your destiny. And my destiny would be, you..

You're just like my guardian angel. Endlessly protecting.

As I'm writing this down post for you, in my hours of weakness, merciless tears coming out from my heart unbearably. Making you choke every now & than. Overwhelmed with greatest fear what you've got to say up next, when you said you wanted me to be happy to move on with guys whose worthy of my love than you. You guard me from everything, from harm. A sense of assurance that you still love me, you cared & give me your ultimate concern. & to actually see if the guy is up to my standard, whether his internal were as good as you said. It's fucking heartrending when you sit right beside me & I can't have you. You said you don't want me to bear hardships. Unconditional love, I'm all ready & utmost willingly to go through it with you. The surrounded souls around me, including you might think I'm a wit, girls wouldn't go for hardships with guys. Why are you such a fucking fool to endure hardships with a guy. Initially, this is called love. LOVE! FUCKING GET IT ?! NOT OUT OF SYMPATHY! I know it makes you dissatisfy to see me bearing the destitution with you. But when you fucking said you didn't want me to live with you do you think it'll be happy for me ? Fuck you very much! You said I never tried to open my whole heart to someone, substantially, I goddamn it fucking did! I FUCKING HATE IT WHEN MY EMOTIONS ARE JUST APPEARS TO BE SO OBVIOUS. THE WHOLE WORLD JUST CAME CRASHING ME DOWN, THE FUCKING WHOLESOME PRESSURE JUST CAME ON ADDING & ADDING & FUCKING ADD! EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A FUCKING REASON, IT'S JUST TOO RAPIDLY! I'M LITERALLY FACING A FUCKING BREAK DOWN. YOU SAID YOU UNDERSTAND ME, DO YOU FUCKING DID ? I KNOW YOU FUCKING CARE FOR ME, YOU WANTED ME TO HAVE THE FUCKING BEST. IF THIS IS WHAT THAT MAKES YOU FUCKING HAPPY, FOR YOU & ME. BUT FUCK, HAVE YOU FUCKING CONSIDER ABOUT MY FUCKING EMPATHY ?! HAVE YOU ?! I WANTED YOU SO BADLY. BUT I KNOW THINGS ARE NEVER GONNA BE THE SAME EVER AGAIN. YOU FUCKING SAID THIS IN THE PAST, YOU AND I: THROUGH WEAKNESS & STRENGTH, HAPPINESS AND SORROW, FOR BETTER FOR WORSE, WHETHER BE IT RICH OR POOR, I'LL STILL STAY BY YOUR SIDE. YOU FUCKING SAID WE'LL OVERCOME ANY OBSTACLES, WE CAN GO THROUGH THIS PHASE TOGETHER. NO MATTER HOW FUCKING HARD IT IS! WHERE IS YOUR FUCKING VOW ?! WHERE IS YOUR FUCKING PROMISE ?! SO YOU'RE FUCKING DECEIVING ME NOW ?! FUCK EVERYTHING, JUST FUCK IT! GODDAMN IT! LET NATURE TAKE IT'S COURSE. NOTHING IS GONNA FUCKING AFFECT ME, I'LL JUST FUCKING PUT EVERYTHING ASIDE & GET MY MIND FOCUS ON MY FUCKING N LEVELS! I ACCEPT THE CHALLENGE YOU REQUESTED FOR! I FUCKING WILL! GET IT ?! FUCK! FUCK MY LIFE, JUST FUCK IT! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!

Beauty is not an appearance, it's the state of mind and being.

This is what you said to me: Since this is what you think then I will fulfill what your friends told you. But just remember one thing. I will be back for you no matter what you think. Even you don't love me. Even you hate me. Even you have a new guy. I will fight till the end. No matter what the result may be. Just wait and see. Could I trust you ? Easier said than done. How can I entrust you ? You didn't wanna hear my voice, so I guess you're the one whose beating about the bush ? Have I ever think for you ? You said you have no friends, all of them betrayed you just by having thoughts on me. And didn't told you so. My friends are downhearted by seeing the way you treated me. Crying endlessly. You're the only man whom I gave my everything. It takes two hands to clap, it requires work & compromises to maintain a good relationship. Kenneth, let me tell you this. Let them have thoughts about me. I don't care. I don't have feelings for them. To be a little exaggerating, I'm attractive, maintained a well-figured body. Those guys out there are just lusting for desire of sex. I've met guys which are much more far better than you, they cared endlessly. Who you are, it's still you. Who are they, it's their business. I can't open up my love to anyone else, but you. Guess you're oblivious of it. You said you would fight for me, & now you contradict the fact that you want to let nature takes it's course. So who are you trying to kid with ? Perhaps, I'm happy with my life now. We'll see how the situation goes. All those horrible, hurtful memories came back. I tried to convince myself that I was able to keep them in check, literally, I couldn't. Those memories & emotions haunted me, condemned me. In my sleeps, all throughout the day and even when I was stoned out of my mind. I was constantly having to force them away. I was unfit to give advices to those who were dejected, cause I myself could not as well. I wanted something that would take this horrid feelings away. I wanted somewhere to go where I didn't have to think about it, or think about anything. The hallucinations of you and my reckless state of mind, combined with and oncoming paranoia, left me paralysed. That day, that instant, I repeatedly kept on looking at my phone. Hoping you would give an foresee answer, an reply. But to my dismal, you contradicted. I miss you.

*Constantly, 11:11, this time keeps on appearing on my phone . God, are you willing to give me an answer ? Would you mind, stop hinting me & stop playing with me with numbers. Could you ?

SINGLE & UNAVAILABLE!

Seriously, don't bother looking up for me.

This is an email that was circulated on the web that I find it very interesting. Regardless of the truth of the story, it hold a very meaningful message for all. Read through it and see if it touches your heart…

The girl in the picture is Katie Kirkpatrick, she is 21. Next to her, her fiancé, Nick, 23. The picture was taken shortly before their wedding ceremony, held on January 11, 2005 in the US.

Katie has terminal cancer and spends hours a day receiving medication. In the picture, Nick is waiting for her on one of the many sessions of chemo to end.

In spite of all the pain, organ failures, and morphine shots, Katie is going along with her wedding and took care of every detail. The dress had to be adjusted a few times due to her constant weight loss.

An unusual accessory at the party was the oxygen tube that Katie used throughout the ceremony and reception as well. The other couple in the picture are Nick’s parents. Excited to see her son marrying his high school sweetheart.

Katie, in her wheelchair with the oxygen tube , listening to a song from her husband and friends.

At the reception, Katie had to take a few rests. The pain restricts her to stand up for long periods.

Katie died five days after her wedding day. Watching a women so ill and weak getting married and with a smile on her face makes us think…..

Happiness is reachable, no matter how long it lasts. We should stop making our lives complicated.

A little love for thought…

Life is short
Break the rules
Forgive quickly
Kiss passionately, Love truly
Laugh constantly
And never stop smiling
No matter how strange life is
Life is not always the party we expected to be
But as long as we are here, we should smile and be grateful.

I was the one whose fighting this endless brutal battles despite any setbacks. But do you even give a damn about it ? I doubt so. It's a permanent damage, I was totally crushed. I enforced myself to get over you, I enforced myself to make you into my faded memories. Unexplainable compulsion is driving me berserk anytime. I'll do it, & I'll prove it to you I'm all conditioned perfectly well. You're just my..

Illusions.

Obstacles, just build a bridge & get over it.

I pondered the fact that you're no longer mine. In what took only a fragment of moment, indeed, I was trembling in fear, it just strike me off with a huge blow. Extremely slim chances of catching fresh whiffs. I could not think what is exactly on my mind. But, looking back, someone new changed me drastically, with a unique point of view in life as well as love. I'm grateful to him, perhaps, as well as I would put my love on him. But still, you will stand a place in my heart. We deny that we're fatigue, we deny that we're petrified. And most importantly, we deny that we're denial. We only see what we want to see and believe what we want to believe, and it works. We lie to ourselves so much that after a while the lies start to seem like the truth. We deny so much that we can't recognise the truth right in front of our faces. A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. Nobody is interested in the truth. All they care about is what they want to believe. You annihilate every single portrait of love in my mind. One day, One day, you'll miss me like how I've missed you. One day, you'll cry like how I cried for you. Perhaps that one fine day, you'll love me but I'll love you back ? Remember your vows to me :]

I'm smiling :D All good things will come to those who wait patiently.

If you're lost, you can look and you will find me.

Since you've been gone.. Every morning I wake up looking myself in the mirror with a pair of puffy eyes. I look into the mirror hoping to find my smile. But it was nowhere to be found. When I try to think just where it might be, I can't help but wonder. If maybe you know where I left my smile, 'cause the last time I saw it, I was with you.'

It has been months and months, I was able to control the desires and the feelings of failure, once I understood what caused those feelings. It had been nothing more than a lack of understanding, and a lack of desire to understand. Remember I vowed to myself I'm not gonna cry anymore for any reasons ? I'm sorry. I broke it. I just don't know how to get on with my life without you. I broke down, you've not faded into memories. I believe, it was all in my reality. I was adamant about being optimistic that you would be back one day, still. I am being stuck at where I am now, not able to move on. I knew that over time I had to force myself to erase the pain. I was now living on what I was being told, and had the luxury of not knowing if what I'm doing was right or not. Inside, I was crushed. Where were you when everything was crashing down upon me ? Where were you when I needed you ? Where were you when I was upset crying like a newborn baby, choking yourself & felt breathless ? Where were you when I've gotten myself wounded ? Just where were you ? I had struggled with the anguish all my life & facing it. It just ate at me that you was able to get yourself off the hook so easily and walk away from it all, while I spent every waking seconds trying to understand. Overwhelmed with a sense of loss, I lay there and cried. I was out of control again, I was afraid of myself. And I had no idea that I could go as far as I did. Looking back, I cant believe I was stupid enough to go back to it. I was out of my mind. My health was on a rapid downhill slide, often, I can't breathe. I had a reputation for causing severe and permanent damage to myself and everyone around me. I was busted. I was vague about what I really want in life. Those devilish pain falling down on me, I made up my mind, taking my windbreaker, I ran out of house.. Ran out in the rain, those beautiful gentle raindrops fall to wash away my pain. I was trying to understand everything positively once again, I did it. I ran & ran, till I was out of breath. Finally, I smiled in the rain. It was perfect..

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