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Before long the sounds of the day were pressing on me, the occasional smile that leaked out my face genuine, frightening but genuine. With the support and emotional respect they showed me, I was able to slightly loosen that stranglehold I kept on my emotions and feelings. I had hidden all my feelings so deep and for so long that it was incredible to rediscover them. Like so much else in my life, it was emotionally crushing down upon me. It took me a while to accept what my feelings were really telling me. What I fear most now is that I'm enduring: a life of pain. And now look where I am, I'm strung out once again, and I'm back to the same old routine of hiding it all from everyone. Inside I wanted to spill my guts and have someone who cared for me reach out and simply hold me.